Overwhelmed

I'm not sure whether I think it's neat or cussed that I'm continually learning new things about myself. Life would be so much easier if we were born knowing, or least came into the knowledge at a certain point in life. But it's so much more complicated than that, especially given the fact that we change over time, for various reasons. This can be a very good thing since nobody is perfect, and there is nothing more rewarding that seeing someone overcome a negative aspect of their personality.

But sometimes the change is more on the part of your perception of yourself than who you actually are. I used to think that I was an extrovert, who loved to be busy and out and about with lots of people, and in the last couple of months I have come to the realization that this is not, in fact, the case. I love people, and spending time with friends will always be a priority in my life, but I'm discovering that I need to put limits on this. Lately I have begun to feel increasingly overwhelmed by the amount of social committments that we have. If I look at my calendar for last week and the next couple of weeks, I actually feel oppressed. Of the 21 days, only 4 evenings are free, and it's been like this for the last month or so.

I found myself so overwhelmed and exhausted this week that I didn't go to a friend's birthday party on Monday night, and then called in sick yesterday and proceeded to sleep a good part of the day away. And it's not that I'm one of those people who can't say no - I actually say no a lot, but you can only say no so many times.

I think at least part of the reason I'm finding it all so overwhelming is that we're in Toronto. Not that the physical city itself is the cause, but rather its subcultural norms. Everything is so planned here. We wanted to get together with some friends a while ago, and ended up having to book an evening 3 weeks in the future to do it because everyone was so busy. That's Toronto. It's so easy to overbook yourself when you're planning that far in advance.

But I could deal with the over-scheduling if it weren't for the fact that when people do get together in Toronto, it's almost always at an outside location, i.e. a restaurant or park or movie theatre. Very rarely do people invite you into their homes, not because they're unfriendly, but that's just not how it's done here. You get together with people to do something, and this usually involves a trip to and from the agreed-upon location, which using public transit can take up to 45 minutes each way.

There are exceptions to this, of course, and it's not that I don't like doing things with people. It's just that I'm discovering that I need a lot more down time than I thought. I never noticed this back home, because the nature of social interaction there is much more laid back. You don't need to plan 3 weeks in advance, you just go visiting. If they're not there, it's no big deal. If you don't want to go out, you don't. You can just spend an evening in, doing what you would normally do, except perhaps with more people if they should decide to come visit you. Of course sometimes plans are made ahead, and people do do things together, but not to the extent that it's done here.

I'm not quite sure what to do about all this yet. I don't want to be anti-social or unreliable, but our current pace is just too much. I'm hoping that things will get better through the summer, as some of our responsibilities ease up a bit, but then September will roll around again and back we go. But I don't want to go back to this paralyzing state of over-committment. Maybe I just need to resign myself to having to say no even more than I am now.